Seventy One Years

Sunday 10/19/2008 (Roman Catholic Calendar) Dad became 71 years old.......We guess. In Dad's day an official-actual-legal birth certificate wasn't provided for Colored people in Opelaka Alabama during the 1936-1938 years. Most kept a copy of the baby's note in a family Bible or so. His birth was done with a mid-wife and somehow the records haven't been located. Since the old place that Pops was raised in isn't around at this time, and both of my grandparents are ancestors, we will probably never know.

We gathered around the dining room table. The only folk missing were my sister Elizabeth and my (Sister's daughter) niece Karina. Dan and his wife and three children were in the house. My wife and kids were in the house. Dad was happy.

His grandchildren wrote compositions and recited them. His children gave him presents. His wife gave him directions. All was well with his soul.

Dad had been complaining about his health lately, specifically stating that he wasn't sure if he would see this day earlier. I have been driving Dad back and forth to his classes lately and asked a week or so ago if he was aware of how the family has been bothered by him making such statements. He shared that he wasn't aware that we had become privy to his worries. Today he made mention that he was looking forward to many future parties with his family, he looked at me and smiled, resolving our discomfort.

We ate food, we ate cake. Dad held his newest grandchild and sang to her. This was a small, warm, and touching night.

Today I looked upon a man who was very different. The man who first gave me an allowance and who sold a car he allowed me to use after I neglected to pay him insurance money was now asking me for financial advice. The man who seemed like a giant is now shorter than I. The man who gave discipline with a heavy hand was now lighter than I. There is one thing that has remained in regards to our relationship - fear. I used to fear his wrath, now I fear his absence.

Happy Birthday Pops, we love ya.

Seko Benjamin-Eric VArner

Civil Rights & Civil Rage

"The White man came to African with rifles and Bibles, heard the names and started changing the titles. So instead of Shaka Zulu I'm Nat Turner with a burner..."

.....Dead Prez - 2000

I'm sure most of America (U.S.A.) will not understand my parent's rage. My mother describes American-born Blacks and/or African-Americans as suffering from Post Traumatic Stress disorder when she share how Africans and African descendants who migrate to our country seem to fare better on a whole than native born Blacks or African-Americans on the whole. My parents have been the best example of not harboring hate towards people, and have never held their tongue when describing the life that America has given them. I'm walking the same road as they did as a parent; I'm attempting to raise my children, and other children I come into contact with, with a love for all and an appreciation for all creation.

As I listen to Sean Hannity, Neal Bortz, and my old favorite Rush I've learned that America's rugged individualism will seem at odds with the communal approach to living that seems to be in the heart of all African civilizations and nations that have an African genetic make-up. Our communal living seems similar to socialism and communism. When we support Black Businesses it may seem like reverse racism. I understand why the ideas expressed in the Kwanzaa principles may seem anti American to one who seems like an outsider to what the principles embrace.

While discussing why some many were upset with Dr. Jeremiah Wright's statements and worried about Obama's connection with Trinity United Church of Christ I saw the rage jump out of my parents. They felt personally attacked by the "Republicans" who were airing the concerns that I was able to express to them as an avid listener of conservative radio. My dad pounded on the table shouting "Do you know what white folks have done to me ?"......."Yes" I answered. We have experienced America's devilish and Godly nature. The colored Americans of my great-great grandparents, great grandparents, grandparents, and parents time have all looked at America and said "Forgive them God, for they know not what they do." These generations loved America as Yeshua (Jesus) loved the world. Yeshua loved the world enough to be radical and tear stuff up in the temples and also to allow those temple folk to inflict terrorist acts upon him while he prayed for the Almighty to change their hearts. As we spoke, and allowed them to vent their anger, an understanding of the dual feelings we have for our country surfaced. We love America and hate America simultaneously at times. We love our country but don't truly trust our government. We've said "Damn America" and would pray for America in our next breath.

Seeing the media demonize Dr. Wright, a U.C.C. pastor, because he said what many of "African in America" have said. Americans in their zeal to better America are now attacking anything that seems to radical. My parents generation remained quiet and full of hope for America when America showed progress and regress in regards to Blacks. This generation is now being demonized for feelings that are natural. Our country legalized and allowed terrorist acts to occur to it's primary non-European descended citizens. Our country paid others to commit acts of war to our enemies. It's always been interesting to me how we seem to have ongoing disputes with countries and individuals that were former employees of America such as Ben Laden and Castro.

I've heard hosts and callers of my favorite shows state that while Dr. Wright may have a little truth in his statements his statements seem to ignore the great strides our country have made towards ensuring civil rights to it's citizens. I stated to my parents that we are going to seem angered and "preaching hate" unless we constantly drive home the point that America has changed, while we continue to point out it's past and present flaws. The conversation ended with an uneasy air as both parents wrung their hands containing the anger towards the past sins of America upon it's citizens. This generation was never given a chance to heal from the wounds that America inflicted upon them. Today their attempts to heal these wounds seem Anti-American. They can't win for loosing.

It's funny how America and Christianity have had similar effects upon Africans and Indians. Both have been blessings and curses. Via America a group of Africans/Indians have been able to be a part of the best Nation in our current world, through America some of the greatest acts of evil have affected these same African/Indian people. Via Christianity our people have been in contact with the creator through Yeshua, at the hands of Christians our African/Indian people have died, lost land, and been enslaved. Both America and Christianity were a the core of this issue that the country faced with Dr. Wright's statements.

As Christians and as Americans my parents have faced the difficulties and opportunities with a fortitude I admire. When I consider what people who considered themselves to be Christians have done to others and when I consider what Americans have done to others I've often wondered why I am so proud to called a Christian and an American. I must say it's because of the models I've had with my parents. Civil Rights & Civil Rage now seem to be the Christian and American way.

Awakenings....Great and small.

Rhonda was told my Pops that he would be speaking at Mom's church on Sunday at 8:30 A.M. Since we normally attend service at New Life - Providence at 9:15 a.m., we agreed that we would go to worship with Pops instead of New Life. As I drove up (late) into the parking lot at 8:49 I noticed the Great Awakening signage with an 8:30 AM service time. I parked the car, looked at Rhonda, and shared "This is the alternative service time. Dad's preaching for the Alternative congregation." Rhonda was a little thrown off for a moment and then said "Oh. I get what you are saying." We attempted to say very little as the kids were starting to unbuckle their seats and I re-started the car. I told the kids to put their seat belts back on. "We wanna' go to BeBe's church to see Popi" said the kids one after another. They knew that this was the location where my mother, their grandmother, their "BeBe", attended church. They also overheard that my dad, their grandfather, their "Popi" was planning to preach there today. They didn't realize that my Mum's service is held at 11:00 AM, and the (U.C.C.) United Church of Christ's local Gay-Lesbain-Bisexual-Transgender (GLBT) church had services each Sunday morning at 8:30 AM on the premises. I looked at wifey and whispered "I'd rather take the kids to New Life." She whisper-agreed and we went down the road.

As I drove off a sister with long Dred Locks walked off the street into the parking lot. With her Timberland styled boots and baseball cap facing backwards and a masculine styled walk I knew that I had connected the dots correctly. I scoured the parking lot looking for a rainbow bumper stickers or a lei of multi-colored flowers hanging from one's windshield mirror. But none of the normal tale-tell signs were visible in the many cars in the parking lot. As I drove the three minutes to our normal church I thought to myself "Am I doing the right thing?" I wanted to spend Easter with my Mum and Pops who were gonna' be in the service and I'm driving away from the service due to it's demographics. Asking myself "Is this the best thing for my children ?" I concluded that I didn't want to provide that type of experience for my kids yet. Wifey, looking at me frown as I wrestled with my decision shared "I think we are o.k. I don't want to put them into that environment yet." Both of us pivoted upon the "yet" word. It's great when we dance together. As I drove up to the church I blurted to the Wifey "I think I'll go back and let the kids go here. She smiled and said "I'll stay, you can go to your daddy." I dropped the fam' off and drove back to my Daddy. As I entered I felt a sense of discomfort from the greeters who asked me "Have you been here before?"........I had........

I met the Pastor of The Great Awakening, this GLBT congregation, two years or so as I attempted to aid the congregation in finding a location for thier group. Thier pastor event took me to visit one of her last listing as we were both real estate agents and she also held her broker's license. I found her to be very cool, very valuable, and very attractive. I remember thinking to myself "I'd marry her, she'd make a great wife." as we talked about her ministry and her former activities as a real estate agent and broker. I further thought "That's a waste, I wish I could introduce her too..." considering some of the guys that I know who. at that time, were having difficulty meeting a good woman. This woman seemed a bit reserved in our interactions, and possibly a bit shy. We did avoid the nature of her congregation in our discussions. I remember saying to her "My wife and I may have to visit your church !" with a very jovial voice. Only to receive her luke-warm invitation to visit. I did find her to have a bit of a solemn aura about her. A similar feeling I've experienced around some other women involved in woman-to-woman relationships.

Since our initial meeting I've referred about seven women to her church who I've met who shared that they didn't feel welcomed in their churches or religious circles due to their sexual orientation. I saw the Pastor of The Great Awakening at my father's 70th celebration in November of 2007. After the dinner she kinda' rushed out and I didn't get a chance to speak with her like I wanted too. I gave her a big-hug as she arrived and a she left. I've often thought about visiting her church, and planned to do so to show support as soon as I had a chance. I know that she has a heavy load. The U.C.C. decided to fully support GLBT organizations and I haven't been one to publicaly support the U.C.C.'s decision. I still don't know if I can ever support the decision publicaly, although after some soul searching and prayer I have come to support the decision. I do currently think that a legalization of alternative unions should occur and these unions should be called something other than a marriage. I think that a 'Union' or a 'Joining' or another of the terms the alternative groups have used may allow the groups to legalize a portion of their cultural inventions rather than attempting to re-define an older paradigm.

I've often had a strange experience with the manly-looking gay women. I guess the political correct term is transgendered. It's still kinda weird to me. She (tries) to appear masculine in dress, attitude, and other aspects; and I still find these transgendered women incredibly attractive as women. In my pre-marital past a number of them have actively found me attractive as well..... I was even approached by one such woman a few weeks ago. Whenever I'm around one of the groups of these women a sense of discomfort-yet-connection envelopes me. Stating to this Pastor that I "may have to" visit her church was an outreached hand to her and her culture from a 'sometimey' outsider.

The greeter asked "Have you been here before?".....I said "Yes."...I had........ I had visited the service that meets at 11:00 AM. This service is an 'Open' church in the U.C.C. They have some gay members and have an open-door policy for anyone who wishes to enter their doors. The Great Awakening is an 'Open and Affirming' congregation and further accept GLBTs as members and/or clergy. Although I understood that the greeter truly meant "have you been to our service before ?" I slid in the doors pretending to mis-understand her question. The entire event was weird to me. I've always knew that the church choirs attracted many gay dudes, I didn't consider the amount of gay dudettes would gather together to lift up the Lord in praise. In a previous portion in my life I DJ'd in a lesbain club for a short while. I was a bit comforting to see what seemed to be one of the former patrons of that club singing in the choir. Yes, I had been here before.

I've been here, in that intellectual/emotional place where I didn't know if I should be playing decision ping-pong in regards to GLBT issues. I'm glad that some people believe that they have found the right culture for them, yet I'd hate for one of my children to become involved in that culture. I fully support the right to wave the rainbow flag yet I am truly disappointed when seeing that waving flag. I support the legal rights to a gay unions yet I wish the term marriage isn't applied to these unions. I support the U.C.C.'s decision, yet I have chosen not to return to visiting my mother's church with my children after attending one of their services and worshiping with openly gay Christians. I hate the fact that Girls-Gone-Wild commercials exists yet I've watched the commercials for a minute before I work up the strength to turn the channel. Sometimes this strength didn't come for a half an hour. I love my cousin and his long-term partner, yet I still wish they would wake up one day and experience an orientation change. Yes, I've been here, playing ping-pong, before.

So today I sit in the pews, worried if someone might get the wrong idea about me. I've had that happen frequently in my life. I often worry about my son who has developed some of my possibly slightly-femine seeming movements. My wifey keeps telling me that it's all in my nervous head and I shouldn't have anything to worry about. Yet I do worry about my son. I would really be bothered if either of my little ones were gay. My parents were worried about me as I grew up. It's funny how they have both become as Open and Affirming as their denomination. As a teenager my parents prevented me from DJing in a club after Pops visited the spot. This spot was in downtown Columbus, Ohio. The club was pretty dark and had a great light show. I had visited the club during the early afternoon and early night a few times as this DJ played a couple records for me that I hadn't heard before. I'd often ask the DJ "When do the ladies start showing up ?" He would always tell me "You need to come at night to see for yourself." All I knew at that time was the main DJ played 'House music' and was teaching me about this music I hadn't heard much on the radio. This DJ met with my father at the club and after some discussions the DJ told me "You should follow your father's decision, this may not be the place for you." I met this DJ in 1984. When I returned from college for spring break in 1987 this DJ was an ancestor. Dad then told me that it was gay club and shared with me the newspaper clipping about the DJ who died from AIDS. I was in this club looking for the ladies who I assumed showed up at night. I remember now how the bartender was always so nice to me. I didn't have a clue.

I had a friend and 1-5-1 Inc. fraternity brother who is now one of our ancestors. We were line brothers as we pledged into 1-5-1 Inc. together in 1987. We hung out, he used to stay at my parent's home on the holidays, we even dated the same girl at one time. She was his girlfriend at one time, she became my friend later. When I broke-up with one of my girlfriends in 1990 she attempted to seduce this friend but nothing ever happened. At first I thought he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He later told me that he just couldn't enjoy a woman anymore. I then found out how many people in 'The Family' (homosexuals) I used to hang-out with unknowingly. As he was dying from AIDS related problems he shared with me in one of our last conversations that he worried about his father. My friend's younger brother was also gay. He worried that his father might loose his mind after raising two sons, loosing one to what seemed to be a gay-related disease, and finding out that while one son is on his death bed, the other son comes out of the closet. My friend became an ancestor around 1998. I talk to his memory every time I find myself here, playing emotional/intellectual ping-pong in regards to his lifestyle. He was a brother to me. He also pissed me off frequently. On my wedding day this friend was one of my groomsmen. He tried to kiss me as I was getting dressed. I almost punched him as I backed away. He looked at me and said, "Sorry Lucky (I used to be called 'Lucky' while in college), this is how we gay dudes congratulate each other. I finished getting dressed. Then I grabbed him and we gave each other a "no-homo man-hug" as I shared with him that I'd hurt him if he ever tried to do that again. We both laughed, shook hands, and finished getting ready for my nuptials.

I also talk to another friend's memory who died to AIDs related issues whenever I'm trying to make sense of his former lifestyle. This friend didn't want to be gay and truly tried praying and fasting and 'churching' his gayness out of his life. We used to double date when I wasn't fully sure of his orientation although my dates would always tell me things like "You know your boy loves men and he's trying to hide it by dating that chick who's over there acting like she doesn't pick-up on it." I even made a bet with one of my lady-friends that my friend wasn't gay. I ended up paying her the waged money after burying my friend. This friend used to go shopping with me and pick out the clothes I'd end up wearing when we double dated with women (circa 1992-1996). My wife jokes me now saying that I was the test subject for the original Queer-eye-for-the-straight-guy show.

My father gave his Easter sermon. I've heard it a number of times in my life. This time he focused the sermon on the idea that Yeshua's (Jesus) resurrection narrative in our Bible should motivate one to resurrect themselves. As we pondered how Yeshua awoke or arose from the dead my Pops challenged the listeners to awaken from the dead parts of their lives and conquer the Hell that we all have to face and conquer. This man used to challenge me frequently when I was a teenager making sure that I wasn't hanging with all of them pretty-boys for any 'soft' reason. Now he has challenged others to consider that Yeshua would accept gay people as the church should. He truly believes that all churches should change their position and accept people in any condition or orientation. His church denomination supports this position, and the U.C.C. boldly made this proclamation in a general Synod about two years ago. Listening to my Pops and attending The Great Awakening's service awoke a portion of my consciousness. I have a discomfort around 'Butchy' women and 'Soft' men. It's awakening to be able to recognize and begin to face this discomfort, it will force me to make some changes in the way I approach discomfort. I'm not sure where this awakened portion of me will travel, yet I welcome the waking up process.

White Folks

Drew Morris, a (White, and I say that to provide a visual) minister who is around 65 (Pops is 70) shared with me in a meeting information about my Dad that I didn't know. He stated "Your Dad is a phenomenal man, he has done things that others are still scared to do. He deserves a lot of recognition. He then says "We were in a meeting and he shared with us that Dr. King (The Honorable Dr. Martin Luther King) told my father in a meeting "You'll have to get rid of your hate for White people to do your job." Dad then reportedly shared in this meeting with Drew other things he did during the Civil Rights era involving racial reconciliation. Drew shared how he admired how my Dad, and other Blacks, rose above the problems of that time to act in a manner exemplified by Yeshua (Jesus). As a child I used to wonder how my parent's and ancestors lived under the suffocating veil of evil White supremacy without wanting to kill every White person in sight. As mad as I would become after hearing their stories I still couldn't hate Whites because my parents wouldn't allow that. They taught me to love Black and love White and everything in between. A lady once set Pops' hair on fire when he rooted for the other team at a football game. The Blancos around him wouldn't let him put out the fire nor retaliate against the witch. How could he be so loving after facing so much hate... He attributed it to "a relationship with Christ"... I thought that he and Christ were both crazy.
Dad is pictured here with his friend..........Baseball legend Jackie Robinson. I remember coming home from school after learning about Jackie Robinson in school and telling Dad and Mom I want to play Baseball like Jackie Robinson. Dad said something to the effect of "Jackie used to throw balls at you when you were a baby." Dad then pulled Jackie Robinson's book off of his bookshelf and showed me a signature from Jackie with comments that could only be made from people who are close. Dad used to minister to Jackie Robinson's family and was even referenced in the book's "Thank You's". This picture still makes me shiver. Two men who both shaped and changed the world I live in. Two men who faced the cruelty of Amerikkka (the U.S.A.) squarely in the face and 'showed love' in response to hate.
Dad raised us in a rather Afro-Centric environment, yet never showed a disdain for anyone. We were taught to love Africa and America. I still get looks of surprise when I often end prayers with my kids by saying "GOD bless Africa, GOD bless America, GOD bless everybody." GOD bless everybody.... Even those I want to hate. When Dad spoke of people he hated he spoke of Blacks who were racial betrayers. Dad is chock full of stories where White-folks did incredibly devilish acts of hatred to him, yet he only hated when 'we' didn't achieve, when 'we' hurt each-other, when 'we' failed to improve our station in life, when 'we' didn't appreciate ourselves...........Achieve, heal us, improve yourself, appreciate us.